A Lot Can Change in Six Months

Like A LOT can change! I was 100% moving 6 months ago, focusing on mtg training and figuring out what was next careerwise. It was on a long road ride in Janurary that I got a call about a job with the fire department that I had already written off. Saying yes to that job will probably be one of the best decisions I will ever make.

I moved back to Evansville, ready to tackle on firefighting training and Leadville training. I assumed they would go hand in hand. I was not expecting for firefighting training to kick my are as hard as it did. After the first two weeks, i was able to admit that there was going to be no way I could do both and excel at them. I made the tough decision to defer my Leadville entry to next year. I put off training on the bike to work on getting my skills down for my new job. Something I wish I had done last year while going through chemo and radiation. I placed so much focus on not getting weak physically, that I became weak mentally. I couldn't cut myself any slack and I got angry at people I was close to. Luckily I have some pretty bomb friends who still love and put up with my bullshit today.

I'm about to graduate from training and go on shift, and I am ready! I have been feeling great lately, and part of that is because I have learned to let go when things, or people, hurt you more than help. Cutting out training and racing was so hard, and I can't wait to get back to it. Cutting out people is even harder because we want to blame ourselves. And to a point, it is your fault. Getting out of a three year relationship this year was incredibly hard and I thought I would be lonely and sad without them. But being told constantly that he wanted to not tell people until he felt like no one would judge him, and the back and forth of his complicated personal life really weighed down on how I was reacting to others. And again, I am lucky that I have the amazing friends that I do who listened to me cry and complain and get mad at them because of something he did and not hate me is pretty great. He did some pretty shitty things and he gets to tell his friends a version of our story that makes him look good while telling me that I ruined his life, I ultimately made the choice of staying and putting up with it. And I wasn't the nicest towards the end either. I went batshit crazy. But I have healed, physically and especially mentally.

We have to take care of ourselves to the best we can. Plans change, life happens. Don't be afraid to make hard choices even if they hurt at the time. The greatest thing I learned last year is that if people offer to help, Don't be afraid to take it. Because I was until I couldn't be independent anymore. I had a family to fall back on. And they helped me get into the place I am now. And I am enjoying my friends and life so hard right now! And I can't wait to get back in the race scene this fall!!!