A Lot Can Change in Six Months

Like A LOT can change! I was 100% moving 6 months ago, focusing on mtg training and figuring out what was next careerwise. It was on a long road ride in Janurary that I got a call about a job with the fire department that I had already written off. Saying yes to that job will probably be one of the best decisions I will ever make.

I moved back to Evansville, ready to tackle on firefighting training and Leadville training. I assumed they would go hand in hand. I was not expecting for firefighting training to kick my are as hard as it did. After the first two weeks, i was able to admit that there was going to be no way I could do both and excel at them. I made the tough decision to defer my Leadville entry to next year. I put off training on the bike to work on getting my skills down for my new job. Something I wish I had done last year while going through chemo and radiation. I placed so much focus on not getting weak physically, that I became weak mentally. I couldn't cut myself any slack and I got angry at people I was close to. Luckily I have some pretty bomb friends who still love and put up with my bullshit today.

I'm about to graduate from training and go on shift, and I am ready! I have been feeling great lately, and part of that is because I have learned to let go when things, or people, hurt you more than help. Cutting out training and racing was so hard, and I can't wait to get back to it. Cutting out people is even harder because we want to blame ourselves. And to a point, it is your fault. Getting out of a three year relationship this year was incredibly hard and I thought I would be lonely and sad without them. But being told constantly that he wanted to not tell people until he felt like no one would judge him, and the back and forth of his complicated personal life really weighed down on how I was reacting to others. And again, I am lucky that I have the amazing friends that I do who listened to me cry and complain and get mad at them because of something he did and not hate me is pretty great. He did some pretty shitty things and he gets to tell his friends a version of our story that makes him look good while telling me that I ruined his life, I ultimately made the choice of staying and putting up with it. And I wasn't the nicest towards the end either. I went batshit crazy. But I have healed, physically and especially mentally.

We have to take care of ourselves to the best we can. Plans change, life happens. Don't be afraid to make hard choices even if they hurt at the time. The greatest thing I learned last year is that if people offer to help, Don't be afraid to take it. Because I was until I couldn't be independent anymore. I had a family to fall back on. And they helped me get into the place I am now. And I am enjoying my friends and life so hard right now! And I can't wait to get back in the race scene this fall!!!

The Road To.....

I am finding myself changing lanes a lot in 2018. In January, I thought for sure that the start of this month would lead me to packing my bags and moving to Bentonville, AR. Then my group got selected to go to Leadville, and I figured it would be more fun to head there for the next few months to train and have fun. I started calling around and making plans on where to stay and ride starting in May. I was going to couch surf my way to Leadville. And then the phone rang.

Starting later this month, I get to begin my career as a firefighter for the Henderson Fire Department. I wasn't expecting this call, I wasn't planning on staying in Indiana. But life doesn't really care about our plans. 

I am known for making impulsive decisions. I wasn't in a great place last year health, emotionally and physically. I put myself into debt by trying to prove I could take care of myself. I shut out people so they didn't have to see me struggle and pushed away the ones who caught a glimpse. I thought last year was hard, but I made it harder on myself. And I wanted to get out. I had a job lined up in Bentonville. I had my apartment packed and Louis prepped for a road trip party. Insert Joyce Hammel who was not about me going from one not great situation to another with no one nearby to help if things really blew up in my face. Which they mostly do.

I came home, I worked to focus on paying off bills and credit cards I had used to pay for bills. I made a dent and that feels good. I am back to being able to train for races without killing myself. Not everything is perfect. I'm still on the strugglebus romantically, but it will pass.

I did my first race of 2018 and felt great about it. It was nice to be on the bike and ride with cool people and pinpoint areas I need to work on to get stronger. I'm still not obsessed with gravel, but it does lead you to some beautiful views. Might as well smile and enjoy it while suffering!

New Year, Same Me

When a new year rolls around, we all seem to get sucked into the mentality that it is time to start making improvements. Most of our resolutions seem to only last for the first few weeks of the new year before we slowly start to abandon them. I have always fallen into that trap, but more of a this year will be better stand point.

I'm really enjoying the new year, same me memes going around. I am not saying that making changes are bad, because they aren't. As humans, we are meant to change and learn. But a new year doesn't mean that you are going to change over night, and I believe that is where we set ourselves up for failure at. The end of the year is a great time to reflect on everything you've done, the new things that you were afraid of doing, the small parts of your day you look forward to, and people you've met. It's also a great time to do a self check up. What do you want to start doing, do you feel happy most of your day?

One of my biggest goals during my end of the year self check up is treating my body and mind better. I have always enjoyed the idea of stretching, and always feel inspired when I see my cat do his own little downward dog pose after napping. However, I am always neglecting that area of my life. I have good days, and I have days where my body feels like a 100 year old lady who has been trapped in a space pod for the last 3,000 years. It is terrible.

I usually do yoga about twice a week, mostly at home through an app, or I tend to go to a class with a friend when we don't talk ourselves out of it during our coffee dates. But we use our bodies every day, and therefore should give it the tlc it so desperately wants. I was given an opportunity to start a 30 day yoga challenge on Jan 2. I like it because it's only 30 minutes or less and just the right amount to make my body happy.

Yoga doesn't just work the body, but it works the mind. 2017 felt like I was in a downward spiral for most of it. When something happened, I went into end of the world meltdowns. It wasn't pretty. I'm taking time to learn to breath and realize that things can be fixed, parts can be replaced, and there is always a solution. I have always felt that breathing and meditating while moving through poses is a great tool to take with me when I face a problem. Understanding and being aware of how one thing I have added to my daily routine has helped in numerous ways is a payoff to keep doing it.

I love this yoga challenge. You can find it on youtube under Yoga with Adrienne. Don't make goals just because a new year is here. And don't just do a self check up because it's the end of the year. Take time every few months to check in on yourself.